Just The 3 Of Us

When I say "we" or "us", I'm referring to Zan, Haygen and myself, it's always just the 3 of us. This includes the past posts as well as the future ones.

Being a mom takes a lot of hard work, being a single working mom is tough, being a single working mom to one very active sports player and one special needs child is challenging. You are pulled from every direction. You are the working mom during the day, the fun, crazy sports mom after work plus the therapist, nurse and caregiver in between all of that. There are days and nights that I cry myself to sleep, maybe from exhaustion or feeling like I've not done enough or perhaps just from guilt.  I feel absolutely guilty some days because I feel that Zan is missing out on lots of things during childhood. We used to be able to go to movies from time to time but now just leaving the house some days is an absolute nightmare.

Zan is the most loving, caring child I know with the biggest heart. He has amazed me through all of this probably more than Haygen. The way he interacts with Haygen is something you can't teach or show a child, it just comes natural. He did play every sport that the YMCA offered for a year or two, but I finally said "Baby, can you pick one sport that you love to play and just play that one?" I felt like a horrible mother asking him that but I had too. I was a complete train wreck.  He said "sure Moma" and he chose baseball. He has played every year since he was 5 and he will soon be 12, so you better believe that when baseball season is near it is his choice whether he plays or not and once he signs up, he has to finish the season because quitting is NOT an option. He is no Chipper Jones but to me he is better than Chipper. He plays with his heart and soul and baseball is the one thing that is "normal" in his childhood. I have missed a few practices and ballgames but not very many. Some of them, I'm there but me and Haygen are watching from the vehicle not because I don't want to get out, its just easier. In the parked vehicle (with the music on) in unfamiliar places is actually calming for Haygen, its sort of like a security place like home is to him. When he has a "meltdown" it could be 5 minutes or 2 hours or longer and its something we try to avoid especially in public. It's very easy for people looking in from the outside to say "All that child needs is discipline" and that used to bother me A LOT!!! But watching a child have a "meltdown" looks a lot like a spoiled little kid just having a tantrum. Seriously, some kids you would never know that they are autistic or a child with special needs just by looking. I will never forget the first day someone made me cry at Wal-Mart, we were looking at air filters of course Haygen was screaming, me and Zan were going on about our business because Haygen screaming is normal to us. This man stopped and said "Can you not control your child?"  this day I was very exhausted and Haygen could not sit up on his own then, he was sitting in the seat of the buggy and I was holding him up by having my arms under his and pushing the buggy by holding the back of the seat. Needless to say we didn't get any air filters. I picked Haygen up out of the buggy got Zan's hand and we left Wal-Mart. The saying "Don't judge others because you have no idea of the path they have been on or the path they are traveling" It's very TRUE.

Describing a meltdown is like a "System Overload" on your computer, say for instance you do things the same way everyday but one day you take a different route to work and all that new information (scenery, sounds etc) is coming back to you so fast that you can't slow it down long enough to process it, so your "computer" shuts down or crashes!!! That's how it feels to Haygen. His brain is the computer and all the information (sounds, smells, textures or just life itself) goes to his brain so fast that he doesn't know what to do with it. The "meltdowns" are his way of saying "STOP" and he needs all the new information given to him slowly and not all at once. Some meltdowns can be violate and some can be just screaming you never know.  I remember giving him a bath awhile back and as soon as I put him in the bathtub he started clawing me trying to get out of the water until eventually he pulled me into the bathtub with him. YES, he's that strong and I think he broke my thumb that day too. Haygen doesn't mean to be violate but things we don't even notice or pay attention to in our daily lives are scary for him. I had no idea what was happening or going on. I didn't know if it was the smell of the soap, the temperature of the water I just didn't know. Eventually, I realized the water was running that day I put him in the bathtub and now the water is ran before I even take him near the bathroom. He loves his baths and don't want to get out most of the time now. Everyday is a learning process not just for Haygen but for me and Zan as well.

This whole journey has changed our lives. We see the world differently. We don't live from day to day, we live from minute to minute. To us tomorrow is the "UNKNOWN" and we face it as it comes. We find humor in everything, we have a lot of fun. We focus on the POSITIVES and not on what we CAN"T do because you will definitely drown in this world if you don't focus on the positive things. People used to ask me "How can you be so happy all the time?" It's not easy by no means but I look at it this way "We didn't choose this life, it was GIVEN to us" so that makes it more special. Not only am I a better mother now, I am a better person over all. I make mistakes everyday but the key is to learn from them. I have found strength that I never knew existed. Patience. Ahh, I never knew someone could have this much patience. Out of all the learning though, I learn the most from my boys and at the end of the day, I realize we don't want to be "normal" because we have enough love, affection and are closer than probably most "normal" families.