Get OVER it........

Yes I had a pity party the other night but I'm OVER it.

I was actually over it the night of the concert. When Zan got in the vehicle, he knew I had been crying so he reached over, hugged me and said "Moma I love you". After that nothing else mattered. Next time I get upset, I have to remember to put myself on a Facebook, Twitter, iPhone and now blogger "timeout".

Everyday is hard, challenging and filled with lots of guilt. Trying to find the balance between being a mom to a special needs child and a mom to a normal child is very overwhelming and without a support system, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to balance. I've always been able to do everything by myself and that's just something you can't do alone, no matter how hard you try. That is the hardest part of it all. When I was younger, I always said "I am going to be able to support myself on my own before I get married or have kids." Of course, mine turned out to be the latter, but I never knew how TRUE my words actually were. Isolation is the second hardest part of this journey.

Zan understands the difference between not wanting to be there and trying to be there. It makes me feel better knowing he understands but not any less guilty. It just breaks my heart. He knows I'm doing everything I can possible. Autism or special needs does not effect just the child, it effects the whole family. We can't do a lot of activities that most people can but we find a million more that we can do. I would love to go visit with my family and friends but with Haygen, going visiting is almost non-existent. Its not that we don't want to be around others, its just very hard and stressful. Some people don't quite understand that part and they never will, while others are wishing that they could do more. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm pretty sure I just blocked a hotwheels car from hitting me in the face. LOL (Parents of autistic children or special needs children understand what I'm saying) You never know what's going to go flying through the house but whatever it is you better learn to duck or block, or both. That's probably why we don't have company either, you never know what to expect. Everyday is an ADVENTURE here at The Crazy House. 

As I've said before, we find humor in everything and that's a MUST. It's very easy to sink down to the lowest of the lows if you don't stay positive or find humor in everything. In your darkest time, you can find a million positive things, if you're looking for them. I am with my boys 24/7. Some days me and Zan will look at each other and say "We LOVE our crazy life" and we do. We wouldn't trade a thing about it because its the little things that are most important. When I am at work, that is the only "me" time or "free" time that I have, I even spend my lunch hour (yes, I take a very late lunch) picking the boys up from school. I can count on one hand how many times that I've been away from them this year without being at work. One day was October 4, I went to see Bret Michaels, then October 18, I went and seen Bon Jovi and November 23, I was able to carry my ZanMan to an Arkansas Razorback football game without Haygen and that's it. The rest of the days, whatever I do, the boys are with me. Therefore, I AM THEIR VOICE.

I get KNOCKED down........

Tonight was gonna be a special night, Zan was singing with his choir. I was looking SO forward to listening to him sing.

Let me back up until yesterday morning, I found out that Zan had a choir concert and realized we had to go shopping. So after work the 3 of us head out to the stores. Zan needed new everything cause he had outgrown all of is "dress" clothes. He tried on a lot of stuff but we had fun of course even got pics to prove it.

BAHAHA look at Haygen in the mirror :)

We decided on those khaki's plus the red shirt. Then all we needed was a belt and shoes then he would be set. Zan was so excited. 

So after work, I rush home got the boys dressed and we were out the door again. We get to the concert (yes a little late) people were already parked by the door and we had to park behind the building and that's cool. We get out and I get Haygen's wheelchair, put him in it and now we are going to the front door where we are suppose to enter. I didn't see any sidewalks or anywhere to push the wheelchair except through the grass and I had asked several people who were also walking and to my surprise there was no answers. I eventually found a sidewalk but when I get to the door there are 3 steps to go up. I was at a loss. So I turned Haygen's wheelchair around and proceeded to pull it up the steps while people were watching including one man. Not once did anyone offer help, not once. 

I was kind of tired by the time I actually walked through the door but it wasn't no big deal in fact, I wouldn't know how to feel if it were as simple as jumping in a vehicle and getting there. The room was very quiet and of course Mr Haygen was screaming and jumping up and down in his wheelchair so what does everyone do, turn and STARE. This probably wouldn't have bothered me if I wasn't so tired. I then push Haygen outside for a second to get him to quieten down a little bit and he did. We get back inside, Haygen gets louder. Of course this time, I'm bawling and the tears wouldn't stop and me and Haygen ended up in the vehicle before I ever got to hear ONE song that Zan sang with his choir. 

The people staring at us weren't bothering me, it was the way they WERE staring. I don't know why but it does hurt especially when you already feel like an outsider to begin with. Maybe it's because I treat people the way I want to be treated and that's not how the world really works or at least not tonight it didn't. I know for a fact that I would've offered help to someone who was trying to pull a wheelchair up some steps. Most likely 99% of the time that person won't let you help but it's letting them know that you are there for them. 

Right now I am hurt, I'm knocked down. YES I will get back up stronger than I was but the only person truly suffering tonight is Zan. I was not able to watch him sing on his "big" night as he called it. I do not have anyone who will watch Haygen for me so that I can participate in (Non-Haygen) activities. Not even family members who live close and have the time. I thank God everyday for allowing Zan to be the child he is because he does understand that it's really just the 3 of us. And my ZANMAN looked so handsome tonight.

Everyone Has A Story.....

When I was growing up, my mom was a single working mother of 3 and watching her struggle to provide for us made me who I am today. I have always been a very independent person from an early age. During my childhood, I wasn't what you would call a loner but I was kind of shy and didn't fit in. My mom was married to my brother and sister's dad before I was born and I never knew my dad growing up or really had a father figure in my life. (That's a whole different story and possibly a book) In school I had friends and stuff but we moved a lot possibly 2 or more times in one year. It was tough but I always adjusted and met lots of new people and still friends with a lot of them to this day.

I was 15 when I started working trying to help my mom. My brother and sister had married and moved out so it was just me and her. We used to be very close and had a lot of fun but things change. We don't see eye to eye half the time, maybe its because I am a mother now too and don't agree with some of her choices or perhaps its other circumstances, and just maybe its because I'm just like her, stubborn.

On my 18th birthday, I went to a car dealership because I wanted a car, I picked one out that was affordable I wasn't trying to be a cool kid or trying to fit in. I just wanted a car. I needed a loan to get the car so I go to a bank and talked to a loan officer. She was so nice, we talked a lot and I was approved for the loan. The insurance wasn't expensive but you didn't have a lot of options of paying for it monthly like you do now, so I went back to the same loan officer and asked for another loan and surprisingly she approved it again, but this time I got a job too. That's how my career in banking started, a simple conversation with a very sweet loan officer.

It wasn't until I started working there that I had self-confidence for the first time in my life and I had worked in the public at a grocery store the years before. I'm not sure what it was about the bank besides the work because its something I truly enjoy and everything about it. The numbers, the counting and helping customers overall and I did and still do take pride in my work. I was there 6 months before I was promoted to Teller Supervisor and my confidence went up even more. I threw everything I had into that job and I loved it but I still wanted one more thing and that was a bachelor's degree, so I enrolled in the night classes at the university. You actually had to drive to the university for night classes then because online classes wasn't evolved like they are now. On Monday nights, I bowled with a group of ladies from work, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I went to class. Some semesters, the classes I needed were on Monday night, so I wasn't able to bowl and I sure did miss it, that was an experience all by itself. We had so much fun. I think I was the youngest person working at the bank during that time and I literally grew up there. They took me under their wing and taught me a lot, especially the executive vice president. I went to him all the time when I needed help even with personal issues, he was there. He was also the reason I enrolled in night classes. But one day, him and several others were talking to me and other co-workers and they noticed flowers and balloons on my desk and said "Who's 21? It was my 21st birthday and I had been the teller supervisor for over 2 years then and they were shocked.  They didn't realize I was that young. Everyone just laughed. They also told me they almost didn't hire me because they thought I was too shy and boy were they wrong. LOL

My night classes were growing few and far between and I didn't have many to choose from anymore because I had taken them all and the executive VP had always told me that if I wanted to work at a bank near the university all he had to do was make one phone call. I told him Thank you so much but there was no way I come leave my bank family. I just couldn't and I'm not sure how all this happened but somehow a job was created for me where I could still work full-time but take my classes during the day as well. I went to class from 8-11am and worked from 12-5Pm with 5-6 being my lunch break and at 6pm, I was starting the update and nightly processing. It was pretty cool cause I learned a lot about how banks operated and that's exactly what I wanted to do even after receiving my bachelor's degree. I always knew I wanted to audit banks if not internally, then externally. So essentially they prepared me for the job I have today.

And after a couple of years, with the new job, I eventually had to go the executive VP and ask him if the offer was still available to me to make that phone call.  That was the hardest decision I had ever made. I did not want to leave my bank family but I was in my upper senior level classes and it was tough and there was never enough time left for studying. He told me of course. I put in my 2 weeks notice and I left on a Friday. That Monday, I was doing the same thing I had been doing for years but just with a different group of people. We weren't as close as my other job but they were a great group of people to work with in fact I work with several of them now and LOVE it.

Which brings me to where I am today, I received my Bachelor's of Business Administration in Accounting from the University of Arkansas at Monticello and I moved to another small town and really didn't know anyone here and had no family here until I started my job and all I can say is I'm home now. I found my job basically the same way I did when I started my banking career. I had a nice, simple conversation with a wonderful man. My bank family today, has been through everything with me during this journey and you can't compare that to anything. They've watched me struggle and helped me through it. They've watched me fall to pieces and helped me back up and I'm not sure they will ever know exactly how they have helped and continue to help me through this journey. They are supportive and understanding of Haygen and believe me you don't find that just anywhere. Family does not have to be blood at all. I have a huge family and they aren't just a "bank" family. They ARE my family.