What Happened to My Normal Little Haygen Baby?

VACCINES AND AUTISM

There is a tremendous amount of controversy surrounding this subject. I can't say that vaccines causes children to have Autism but I do know how my baby acted and was before the MMR vaccine. (Remember this is my blog and these are ONLY my opinions and beliefs)

There are many who agree that vaccines causes autism while there are many more who disagree with vaccines causing autism. There are also many scientific studies that prove they don't cause it. There are many scientists who firmly believe that they do cause autism......and I could keep going on and on about who does and who don't but I'm looking at all of this from a parent's perspective.

Haygen was normal, there was nothing different about him than from my oldest son (who is 4 years older than Haygen) They played together, played hide n seek with each other. He met all the milestones on time and some before it was time. He could talk, walk, see, play and eat by his self, everything a normal toddler would do. NOTHING was different. I am positive that I did not miss any signs because there weren't any to miss. I could understand that I could've missed some signs, IF Haygen was my first baby, but he wasn't.

He did not get his MMR at 18 months because we were in the process of moving, so I waited until he was 19 months. Almost, immediately I knew something was wrong but in 2008, I didn't watch or read the news and I had no idea of the controversy between autism and vaccines. That never once crossed my mind that the vaccine did something to him. I was watching him play and I watched him fall, he didn't trip or anything like that, he just fell limp. It looked like how you would hold a dish rag up and let it go, it was weird because I seen his eyes and they were rolled back in his head. I was scared to death and didn't understand.

I picked him up, grabbed the diaper bag that I kept by the door, got in the vehicle and just drove. I knew something serious was happening so I didn't even bother stopping at local hospitals.........I just kept driving until I got to Arkansas Children's Hospital (ACH).  We had been there for hours waiting and finally were called back BUT Haygen was playing and acting like a normal toddler would, so they were going to discharge him (we were still in the ER had not been admitted at this time) BUT when I was signing the discharge papers it happened again. He fell just like he did before we got there but this time the doctor SEEN him. We were sent directly to neurology and Haygen was immediately hooked up to the video EEG. You should've seen the seizure activity that was going on, I just cried and cried. This was the beginning of our 1st and longest hospital stay. It was 4 months.

During this time, he stayed hooked up to the video EEG for 3 1/2 months out of the 4.  He was having 20-100 seizures PER DAY :( And during this hospital stay he lost his ability to walk, talk, sit up, crawl and even hold his head up. He had lost all of his motor skills. I was a complete wreck and I pretty much hated the world then. I kept asking "What did I do wrong?" "What has Haygen done to deserve this or what did I do to cause this much pain on Haygen?"  It is tough.

I did eventually pull myself together while we were there. I remember there were so many teams of different doctors in and out of our rooms because BELIEVE ME there wasn't nothing that they did not test for.......NOTHING. Over a year after the seizures started, I was told he would never walk or see again.  You can read more about this here at The Beginning of Our Journey and at 2009 The Year of Total Darkness LeBonheur Children's Hospital also confirmed that Haygen would never walk or see again. After 2 years and 2 months of NON-STOP seizing everyday, his seizures completely stopped. You can read more about that here at Our New Beginning

Everything has been ruled out except the vaccines, and it never would have crossed my mind if that doctor had not asked me for Haygen's "original" shot records and told me "I can't rule it out and I can't stay that it is"

Haygen has been tested for Rett's Syndrome, Angelman Syndrome, Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and many genetics tests have been done by different hospitals. They have not diagnosed Haygen with anything yet, maybe they just don't know or maybe its because they know the vaccines caused it and just don't want to admit it. We will never know and that's ok if we don't because he's already beat the odds that were stacked up against him.   He stopped seizing, he started walking and seeing again and finally in 2012 his feeding tube was removed. After 6 years of testing all they can tell me is that he has characteristics of everything and although his autism characteristics are more visible than anything, they have not diagnosed him as autistic.

So you can see why I think the vaccines played a part in this, I mean even the doctors are all sitting around puzzled. They can't figure out what's wrong or what happened to him and they can't figure out why his seizures suddenly stopped. Even though I believed they played a part in this, I did continue with his vaccinations.  It was a tough decision but I know it was the best one. I will write about the reason why I chose to keep vaccinating later on. So for now I do believe they played some involvement but not totally to blame. I am just happy I still have my Haygen Baby because there was a time when I (even the doctors) didn't think he would make it to the age of 4. He will soon be 8 and I couldn't be any happier.

Autism and A Life of Isolation

First, I would like to apologize for the long break. It has literally been one thing after another. The week of Thanksgiving is when it had got very hectic, I had to make a very hard decision of whether to medicate or not medicate Haygen. He had not been on any medicine since April of 2010 but I had to do something because I was very concerned with his aggression. I decided to medicate him and this is all I have to say about it....BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE!! Medication isn't for all children or parents of children with autism but it was right for Haygen. He has progressed SO much since he's been on them. I will write another blog about the medicine very soon.

Besides dealing with the side effects of Haygen's medicine along with my health problems, ISOLATION is still the hardest part of this autism journey. It doesn't get any easier to deal with especially during the holidays because we even spend those by ourselves. When you go from "Being the life of the Party" to "No longer being at the Party", it takes an emotional toll on you. I know I probably make our lives look like there's so much fun and excitement in them (on social media) and it TRULY is but its also JUST THE 3 OF US 24/7 literally. When we are at baseball games, 95% of the time me and Haygen are off to the side by ourselves or in the vehicle watching Zan play. The medicine has helped tremendously with his meltdowns in public, Praise The Lord.

I know life gets busy and everyone has families and responsibilities but never in a million years did I ever think certain people would turn their backs on us. I live 30 to 45 mins (at the most) away from family and friends that I grew up with my entire life which isn't far away, so I guess that's why its so hard to comprehend. I don't know if everyone thinks I should load up my kids and go there to visit (which is an absolute NIGHTMARE because of the fact that my youngest child is autistic) or if its because I have nothing to offer them anymore. I just don't understand and never will. Explaining all this to others, especially family is exhausting, frustrating and I shouldn't have to when it comes to family. If you can't count on family, who can you count on? No one

Social media is too much for me sometimes because its a reminder of all the things that Zan is missing out on. I would love to spend more time with him to go and do normal things but with no support system it will never happen. My family believes its as easy finding a babysitter for my autistic child as it is finding one for a normal child. WRONG!!! After 6 years of explaining autism, begging and pleading you get to the point where you just have to give up on people.

Last week, everything was put into perspective very quick, I had to have a heart cath because the doctor suspected blockage in my heart since my echo, ekg were both abnormal along with my chronic high blood pressure. A friend of mine (who I met 6 years ago while Haygen was in the hospital in 2008) drove 2 hours from where she lives to keep both of my boys just so I could go and have the procedure done while her daughter met me at the hospital to drive me back home. I had drove myself that morning and I had to have a driver plus the hospital was also 2 hours away from my house. My dad and stepmom offered to watch the boys but they live just as far away plus my dad wasn't even at home. He was actually out of town his self but if I would've said yes they would've been here. That speaks volumes considering we just became part of each other's lives 3 years ago (very long story and beyond our control).

I know that heart cath's are performed everyday and is no big deal to some BUT when they take you into that operating room to begin prepping you before knocking you out lol (without hearing from the ONE person who is always suppose to be there for you no matter what plus a couple of others) its a huge deal to me. I was scared to death and alone. I do not wish and would not EVER wish this type of isolation on anyone. This is what I deal with everyday and its heartbreaking seeing the true colors of the people you love.

DING DING DING.......Round 1

Bad Boy vs Mean Moma

This has been the funniest part of our journey..........Ok maybe not the funniest but it sure has been FUN and it still is.

Haygen does not like clothes PERIOD. This would be ok if he was "House-Trained" YES I said house trained not potty trained :)  He will take all his clothes and diaper off even if it is a "poopy" diaper, he wants it off.  He will get his clothes and diaper off faster than I can turn around and will have his "poopy" diaper smeared EVERYWHERE (Ok this is not a fun part or even funny). I have read everything there is to find about autism and special needs children but I've never found anything or anyone that talks about this.  However, I did find where one reader asked a blogger this question "does your child smear poop?" and the answer was "NO"  I am not going to sugar coat anything because Bad Boy does "smear poop" and I was just about to lose my mind. It was a living hell :(  I knew I had to do something but I just didn't know what so....................This is how DING DING DING Round 1 got started..................

As I've said before we find humor in everything, so we found humor even in "Poop" :)  We started playing dress-up with Bad Boy. We started out with putting onesie's on him first then putting all kinds of clothes over that. It worked maybe a day and a half. Round 2........I bought some overalls and put those over the onesie plus all the other clothes...........Round 3..........Someone had gave us a bib because Haygen used to drool a lot. She had made the bib and we really liked it because you put your arms in like putting on a shirt.

I put the onesie plus all the clothes on including the overalls and then put the bib on him. This worked for a little while Praise The Lord!! Mean Moma was WINNING........but it was short-lived :(

Round 2568........Ok I had to come up with more ideas and it was getting harder and harder. Bad Boy is the Undisputed Undefeated Lightweight Champion. It's hard competing against him :) So I came up with the idea of bandanas. Me and Zan wear them sometimes so I had plenty of them. I would put his pants or shorts on over his onesie or without one then put the bandana on as his belt and tie it in a knot. The bandana lasted longer than the bib.

But once this stopped working I was at a loss. A friend of mine who was actually brave enough to watch the boys after school and during the summer awhile back found something online about pajamas and cutting the feet out. I was so proud that she found that and because she SURVIVED the summer with Bad Boy.

Round 36,895.........So, I started buying footed pajamas and they are hard to find in stores especially during the summer :) I found a great website that sells nothing but footed pajamas and they aren't expensive but the shipping costs are outrageous. I bought 4 pairs of pjs all at once and the shipping costs were more than all 4 pair of the pjs added together. The quality of the pajamas are great so its worth it. I would cut the feet out of new pajamas (that was a bummer) and then turn them around and put them on backwards. Whatever works right??

 

I have even cut some of the pajamas as shorts and short sleeves, but this can be tricky because of how the zipper is made and if it's a long zipper or a short zipper. I've actually messed up several pair because of the zipper. These are the ones he wears during the summer (in the picture below) because the ones I order from the website are thicker and they keep him warm during the winter, but I am running out of the "summer" pjs.  I will eventually have to start making a few of the "winter" pjs short sleeve and shorts or I may have to resort to something else altogether because of the quality of the "summer" ones that are already cut and the "winter" pjs that are just about worn out :( I'll probably just keep buying footed pjs and try to find another website that sells some thinner ones, but WHO KNOWS :)

 

YES he's wearing pink and purple LOL.

Our floors are very cold in the winter because we have all hardwood floors. Bad Boy won't even keep socks on no matter how hard I try to keep them on him or how many times I put them back on him. So, I have been brave enough to buy the footed pajamas and NOT cut the feet out of them and actually put them on him RIGHT. (after a year or longer of him wearing them backwards) However, I put a safety pin in them from the inside. I put it through the zipper (after I zip them up) and back through the pajamas and fasten it from the inside so he doesn't mess with it and so he doesn't unhook it and poke his self with it. Thankfully, this has worked so far. I always put a shirt on underneath so the pin doesn't touch him and so he won't know its there. :) He still wears them backwards when its not too cold.

Putting on the pajamas backwards with the feet cut out (even putting them on right with a safety pin) has been a LIFESAVER. It is still working. There have been some accidents but I realized it was because of the quality of a few pair of his pajamas. When they start wearing out (from washing them so many times a day it doesn't take long for certain ones to wear out) he has figured out that he can get his little hands up through the legs of the pjs and get his diaper off without even taking off the pjs. YES, he's that smart. I've also realized that certain ones that I've bought with a long zipper almost to feet of the pjs are the ones we have the most trouble with, but other than that.....WE GOT THIS. We have had a lot of fun with this because of the fact of how smart he is, he keeps outsmarting me and I know he's thinking "What else you got Mean Moma cause I will eventually figure it out!"

I'm not sure if he's figured out that he can't get them off or if he's just given up but...................Mean Moma has scored 1 point. Well, for now anyway because this round isn't over yet :)

SCORE

Bad Boy 1,528,489,993

Mean Moma 01

 

Groundhog Day.....

Our life is very much like the movie Groundhog Day. We do the same thing everyday BUT everyday is different because you never know what to expect. We do everything if at all possible to avoid meltdowns. We have routines. We have our morning Monday-Friday routine for getting ready for school and work. Our afternoon routines are the same Monday-Friday after work and school. The same goes for Saturday's and Sunday's, the routine is different from M-F but it is the same routine as the last weekend.

I've never been a stay at home person, me and Zan was always on the go before I had Haygen so this has been a huge adjustment for us. We spend a lot of days, nights and even holidays just the 3 of us together. Some people think we just don't want to be social but it really isn't that easy. When we do get away from the house, we pretty much have to load up the whole house to go somewhere, even the wheelchair. Even though Haygen can walk now, I still have to use the wheelchair because he doesn't understand commands and he's never still. He is like the "energizer bunny" his batteries never run down. During our stay in Memphis, he was tested for "Angelman Syndrome". Children with Angelman Syndrome are very happy and require little to no sleep and you've guessed it, he was negative. He did not have Angelman Syndrome!! On a good night, Haygen may sleep 1-2 hours a night and that's through out the whole night not all together.

Haygen has no fear and feels very little pain. He had cut his foot one day and I had no idea until I saw bloody little footprints throughout the house. He never cried or anything, and I had no idea how he cut it. I spend pretty much everyday trying to "Haygen Proof" our house but you really have to stay on your toes with him. He's very smart and he can figure out more than you'll ever know and that's because he can't communicate it to you. I bought our first house at the beginning of this journey but I never knew the path our lives were fixing to take. I love my house but I'll probably have to rebuild it from the ground up before we are even half way through this journey. It's a very good thing that I own our house because we are constantly "Haygen Proofing" it just to keep him safe. The way I look at it is that everything can be replaced except our Haygen Baby. We are always at our house except for when we are at work or school. Thank goodness for the never ending evolving of technology because our iPhones, iPad's, and everything else is what keeps us connected to the outside world. I always tell people if it doesn't happen on Facebook or Twitter then I don't know about it and they just laugh but I'm dead serious :)

Being a parent to a special needs child takes a lot from you. It affects you personally, physically and emotionally so being able to get a break from it all is very important. You need a break so that you can recharge and stay the good parent that you are and that's so hard to explain to someone on the outside. They think you are being selfish and that's so far from the truth. I've tried and tried to explain this to a person and it does no good. I don't ask anyone to keep my boys for me to go out and party or anything like that, its mostly when school is out and I have to work. I understand some people not wanting to keep Haygen because its a lot on someone.....Believe me I know :) But when you ask everyone that you know and beg and plead with them because you REALLY need to work and the answer is always NO, that's when it dawns on me that we really are in this world alone. Its a huge emotional roller coaster but when I find myself in the situation again, I always ask anyway thinking the answer may be yes but it never is :(  I haven't stopped asking for someone to watch them while I work but I have stopped asking for someone to watch them while I have time to recharge.

I did ask someone about a year ago if they would watch the boys one weekend a month so I could go and do things once a month without the boys and the answer was YES. Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen. I have FAITH that it will happen, ok maybe not for me but for somebody it will :) I can't stress that enough about how important a break is because the Groundhog Day is real in this life and it doesn't stop. That's all you have to look forward to, doing the same thing everyday. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is MUSIC. That's all I have (well besides my phone lol) that I enjoy and I can listen to it, sing it, scream it or whatever and wherever me and the boys are :) On the bright side of things through, I have been raising an 1 year old for the past 6 years (Haygen is 7 and on an 1 year old level) and that means I'm not getting older either :)

Get OVER it........

Yes I had a pity party the other night but I'm OVER it.

I was actually over it the night of the concert. When Zan got in the vehicle, he knew I had been crying so he reached over, hugged me and said "Moma I love you". After that nothing else mattered. Next time I get upset, I have to remember to put myself on a Facebook, Twitter, iPhone and now blogger "timeout".

Everyday is hard, challenging and filled with lots of guilt. Trying to find the balance between being a mom to a special needs child and a mom to a normal child is very overwhelming and without a support system, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to balance. I've always been able to do everything by myself and that's just something you can't do alone, no matter how hard you try. That is the hardest part of it all. When I was younger, I always said "I am going to be able to support myself on my own before I get married or have kids." Of course, mine turned out to be the latter, but I never knew how TRUE my words actually were. Isolation is the second hardest part of this journey.

Zan understands the difference between not wanting to be there and trying to be there. It makes me feel better knowing he understands but not any less guilty. It just breaks my heart. He knows I'm doing everything I can possible. Autism or special needs does not effect just the child, it effects the whole family. We can't do a lot of activities that most people can but we find a million more that we can do. I would love to go visit with my family and friends but with Haygen, going visiting is almost non-existent. Its not that we don't want to be around others, its just very hard and stressful. Some people don't quite understand that part and they never will, while others are wishing that they could do more. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm pretty sure I just blocked a hotwheels car from hitting me in the face. LOL (Parents of autistic children or special needs children understand what I'm saying) You never know what's going to go flying through the house but whatever it is you better learn to duck or block, or both. That's probably why we don't have company either, you never know what to expect. Everyday is an ADVENTURE here at The Crazy House. 

As I've said before, we find humor in everything and that's a MUST. It's very easy to sink down to the lowest of the lows if you don't stay positive or find humor in everything. In your darkest time, you can find a million positive things, if you're looking for them. I am with my boys 24/7. Some days me and Zan will look at each other and say "We LOVE our crazy life" and we do. We wouldn't trade a thing about it because its the little things that are most important. When I am at work, that is the only "me" time or "free" time that I have, I even spend my lunch hour (yes, I take a very late lunch) picking the boys up from school. I can count on one hand how many times that I've been away from them this year without being at work. One day was October 4, I went to see Bret Michaels, then October 18, I went and seen Bon Jovi and November 23, I was able to carry my ZanMan to an Arkansas Razorback football game without Haygen and that's it. The rest of the days, whatever I do, the boys are with me. Therefore, I AM THEIR VOICE.

I get KNOCKED down........

Tonight was gonna be a special night, Zan was singing with his choir. I was looking SO forward to listening to him sing.

Let me back up until yesterday morning, I found out that Zan had a choir concert and realized we had to go shopping. So after work the 3 of us head out to the stores. Zan needed new everything cause he had outgrown all of is "dress" clothes. He tried on a lot of stuff but we had fun of course even got pics to prove it.

BAHAHA look at Haygen in the mirror :)

We decided on those khaki's plus the red shirt. Then all we needed was a belt and shoes then he would be set. Zan was so excited. 

So after work, I rush home got the boys dressed and we were out the door again. We get to the concert (yes a little late) people were already parked by the door and we had to park behind the building and that's cool. We get out and I get Haygen's wheelchair, put him in it and now we are going to the front door where we are suppose to enter. I didn't see any sidewalks or anywhere to push the wheelchair except through the grass and I had asked several people who were also walking and to my surprise there was no answers. I eventually found a sidewalk but when I get to the door there are 3 steps to go up. I was at a loss. So I turned Haygen's wheelchair around and proceeded to pull it up the steps while people were watching including one man. Not once did anyone offer help, not once. 

I was kind of tired by the time I actually walked through the door but it wasn't no big deal in fact, I wouldn't know how to feel if it were as simple as jumping in a vehicle and getting there. The room was very quiet and of course Mr Haygen was screaming and jumping up and down in his wheelchair so what does everyone do, turn and STARE. This probably wouldn't have bothered me if I wasn't so tired. I then push Haygen outside for a second to get him to quieten down a little bit and he did. We get back inside, Haygen gets louder. Of course this time, I'm bawling and the tears wouldn't stop and me and Haygen ended up in the vehicle before I ever got to hear ONE song that Zan sang with his choir. 

The people staring at us weren't bothering me, it was the way they WERE staring. I don't know why but it does hurt especially when you already feel like an outsider to begin with. Maybe it's because I treat people the way I want to be treated and that's not how the world really works or at least not tonight it didn't. I know for a fact that I would've offered help to someone who was trying to pull a wheelchair up some steps. Most likely 99% of the time that person won't let you help but it's letting them know that you are there for them. 

Right now I am hurt, I'm knocked down. YES I will get back up stronger than I was but the only person truly suffering tonight is Zan. I was not able to watch him sing on his "big" night as he called it. I do not have anyone who will watch Haygen for me so that I can participate in (Non-Haygen) activities. Not even family members who live close and have the time. I thank God everyday for allowing Zan to be the child he is because he does understand that it's really just the 3 of us. And my ZANMAN looked so handsome tonight.

Everyone Has A Story.....

When I was growing up, my mom was a single working mother of 3 and watching her struggle to provide for us made me who I am today. I have always been a very independent person from an early age. During my childhood, I wasn't what you would call a loner but I was kind of shy and didn't fit in. My mom was married to my brother and sister's dad before I was born and I never knew my dad growing up or really had a father figure in my life. (That's a whole different story and possibly a book) In school I had friends and stuff but we moved a lot possibly 2 or more times in one year. It was tough but I always adjusted and met lots of new people and still friends with a lot of them to this day.

I was 15 when I started working trying to help my mom. My brother and sister had married and moved out so it was just me and her. We used to be very close and had a lot of fun but things change. We don't see eye to eye half the time, maybe its because I am a mother now too and don't agree with some of her choices or perhaps its other circumstances, and just maybe its because I'm just like her, stubborn.

On my 18th birthday, I went to a car dealership because I wanted a car, I picked one out that was affordable I wasn't trying to be a cool kid or trying to fit in. I just wanted a car. I needed a loan to get the car so I go to a bank and talked to a loan officer. She was so nice, we talked a lot and I was approved for the loan. The insurance wasn't expensive but you didn't have a lot of options of paying for it monthly like you do now, so I went back to the same loan officer and asked for another loan and surprisingly she approved it again, but this time I got a job too. That's how my career in banking started, a simple conversation with a very sweet loan officer.

It wasn't until I started working there that I had self-confidence for the first time in my life and I had worked in the public at a grocery store the years before. I'm not sure what it was about the bank besides the work because its something I truly enjoy and everything about it. The numbers, the counting and helping customers overall and I did and still do take pride in my work. I was there 6 months before I was promoted to Teller Supervisor and my confidence went up even more. I threw everything I had into that job and I loved it but I still wanted one more thing and that was a bachelor's degree, so I enrolled in the night classes at the university. You actually had to drive to the university for night classes then because online classes wasn't evolved like they are now. On Monday nights, I bowled with a group of ladies from work, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I went to class. Some semesters, the classes I needed were on Monday night, so I wasn't able to bowl and I sure did miss it, that was an experience all by itself. We had so much fun. I think I was the youngest person working at the bank during that time and I literally grew up there. They took me under their wing and taught me a lot, especially the executive vice president. I went to him all the time when I needed help even with personal issues, he was there. He was also the reason I enrolled in night classes. But one day, him and several others were talking to me and other co-workers and they noticed flowers and balloons on my desk and said "Who's 21? It was my 21st birthday and I had been the teller supervisor for over 2 years then and they were shocked.  They didn't realize I was that young. Everyone just laughed. They also told me they almost didn't hire me because they thought I was too shy and boy were they wrong. LOL

My night classes were growing few and far between and I didn't have many to choose from anymore because I had taken them all and the executive VP had always told me that if I wanted to work at a bank near the university all he had to do was make one phone call. I told him Thank you so much but there was no way I come leave my bank family. I just couldn't and I'm not sure how all this happened but somehow a job was created for me where I could still work full-time but take my classes during the day as well. I went to class from 8-11am and worked from 12-5Pm with 5-6 being my lunch break and at 6pm, I was starting the update and nightly processing. It was pretty cool cause I learned a lot about how banks operated and that's exactly what I wanted to do even after receiving my bachelor's degree. I always knew I wanted to audit banks if not internally, then externally. So essentially they prepared me for the job I have today.

And after a couple of years, with the new job, I eventually had to go the executive VP and ask him if the offer was still available to me to make that phone call.  That was the hardest decision I had ever made. I did not want to leave my bank family but I was in my upper senior level classes and it was tough and there was never enough time left for studying. He told me of course. I put in my 2 weeks notice and I left on a Friday. That Monday, I was doing the same thing I had been doing for years but just with a different group of people. We weren't as close as my other job but they were a great group of people to work with in fact I work with several of them now and LOVE it.

Which brings me to where I am today, I received my Bachelor's of Business Administration in Accounting from the University of Arkansas at Monticello and I moved to another small town and really didn't know anyone here and had no family here until I started my job and all I can say is I'm home now. I found my job basically the same way I did when I started my banking career. I had a nice, simple conversation with a wonderful man. My bank family today, has been through everything with me during this journey and you can't compare that to anything. They've watched me struggle and helped me through it. They've watched me fall to pieces and helped me back up and I'm not sure they will ever know exactly how they have helped and continue to help me through this journey. They are supportive and understanding of Haygen and believe me you don't find that just anywhere. Family does not have to be blood at all. I have a huge family and they aren't just a "bank" family. They ARE my family.