First, I would like to apologize for the long break. It has literally been one thing after another. The week of Thanksgiving is when it had got very hectic, I had to make a very hard decision of whether to medicate or not medicate Haygen. He had not been on any medicine since April of 2010 but I had to do something because I was very concerned with his aggression. I decided to medicate him and this is all I have to say about it....BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE!! Medication isn't for all children or parents of children with autism but it was right for Haygen. He has progressed SO much since he's been on them. I will write another blog about the medicine very soon.
Besides dealing with the side effects of Haygen's medicine along with my health problems, ISOLATION is still the hardest part of this autism journey. It doesn't get any easier to deal with especially during the holidays because we even spend those by ourselves. When you go from "Being the life of the Party" to "No longer being at the Party", it takes an emotional toll on you. I know I probably make our lives look like there's so much fun and excitement in them (on social media) and it TRULY is but its also JUST THE 3 OF US 24/7 literally. When we are at baseball games, 95% of the time me and Haygen are off to the side by ourselves or in the vehicle watching Zan play. The medicine has helped tremendously with his meltdowns in public, Praise The Lord.
I know life gets busy and everyone has families and responsibilities but never in a million years did I ever think certain people would turn their backs on us. I live 30 to 45 mins (at the most) away from family and friends that I grew up with my entire life which isn't far away, so I guess that's why its so hard to comprehend. I don't know if everyone thinks I should load up my kids and go there to visit (which is an absolute NIGHTMARE because of the fact that my youngest child is autistic) or if its because I have nothing to offer them anymore. I just don't understand and never will. Explaining all this to others, especially family is exhausting, frustrating and I shouldn't have to when it comes to family. If you can't count on family, who can you count on? No one
Social media is too much for me sometimes because its a reminder of all the things that Zan is missing out on. I would love to spend more time with him to go and do normal things but with no support system it will never happen. My family believes its as easy finding a babysitter for my autistic child as it is finding one for a normal child. WRONG!!! After 6 years of explaining autism, begging and pleading you get to the point where you just have to give up on people.
Last week, everything was put into perspective very quick, I had to have a heart cath because the doctor suspected blockage in my heart since my echo, ekg were both abnormal along with my chronic high blood pressure. A friend of mine (who I met 6 years ago while Haygen was in the hospital in 2008) drove 2 hours from where she lives to keep both of my boys just so I could go and have the procedure done while her daughter met me at the hospital to drive me back home. I had drove myself that morning and I had to have a driver plus the hospital was also 2 hours away from my house. My dad and stepmom offered to watch the boys but they live just as far away plus my dad wasn't even at home. He was actually out of town his self but if I would've said yes they would've been here. That speaks volumes considering we just became part of each other's lives 3 years ago (very long story and beyond our control).
I know that heart cath's are performed everyday and is no big deal to some BUT when they take you into that operating room to begin prepping you before knocking you out lol (without hearing from the ONE person who is always suppose to be there for you no matter what plus a couple of others) its a huge deal to me. I was scared to death and alone. I do not wish and would not EVER wish this type of isolation on anyone. This is what I deal with everyday and its heartbreaking seeing the true colors of the people you love.
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