What Happened to My Normal Little Haygen Baby?

VACCINES AND AUTISM

There is a tremendous amount of controversy surrounding this subject. I can't say that vaccines causes children to have Autism but I do know how my baby acted and was before the MMR vaccine. (Remember this is my blog and these are ONLY my opinions and beliefs)

There are many who agree that vaccines causes autism while there are many more who disagree with vaccines causing autism. There are also many scientific studies that prove they don't cause it. There are many scientists who firmly believe that they do cause autism......and I could keep going on and on about who does and who don't but I'm looking at all of this from a parent's perspective.

Haygen was normal, there was nothing different about him than from my oldest son (who is 4 years older than Haygen) They played together, played hide n seek with each other. He met all the milestones on time and some before it was time. He could talk, walk, see, play and eat by his self, everything a normal toddler would do. NOTHING was different. I am positive that I did not miss any signs because there weren't any to miss. I could understand that I could've missed some signs, IF Haygen was my first baby, but he wasn't.

He did not get his MMR at 18 months because we were in the process of moving, so I waited until he was 19 months. Almost, immediately I knew something was wrong but in 2008, I didn't watch or read the news and I had no idea of the controversy between autism and vaccines. That never once crossed my mind that the vaccine did something to him. I was watching him play and I watched him fall, he didn't trip or anything like that, he just fell limp. It looked like how you would hold a dish rag up and let it go, it was weird because I seen his eyes and they were rolled back in his head. I was scared to death and didn't understand.

I picked him up, grabbed the diaper bag that I kept by the door, got in the vehicle and just drove. I knew something serious was happening so I didn't even bother stopping at local hospitals.........I just kept driving until I got to Arkansas Children's Hospital (ACH).  We had been there for hours waiting and finally were called back BUT Haygen was playing and acting like a normal toddler would, so they were going to discharge him (we were still in the ER had not been admitted at this time) BUT when I was signing the discharge papers it happened again. He fell just like he did before we got there but this time the doctor SEEN him. We were sent directly to neurology and Haygen was immediately hooked up to the video EEG. You should've seen the seizure activity that was going on, I just cried and cried. This was the beginning of our 1st and longest hospital stay. It was 4 months.

During this time, he stayed hooked up to the video EEG for 3 1/2 months out of the 4.  He was having 20-100 seizures PER DAY :( And during this hospital stay he lost his ability to walk, talk, sit up, crawl and even hold his head up. He had lost all of his motor skills. I was a complete wreck and I pretty much hated the world then. I kept asking "What did I do wrong?" "What has Haygen done to deserve this or what did I do to cause this much pain on Haygen?"  It is tough.

I did eventually pull myself together while we were there. I remember there were so many teams of different doctors in and out of our rooms because BELIEVE ME there wasn't nothing that they did not test for.......NOTHING. Over a year after the seizures started, I was told he would never walk or see again.  You can read more about this here at The Beginning of Our Journey and at 2009 The Year of Total Darkness LeBonheur Children's Hospital also confirmed that Haygen would never walk or see again. After 2 years and 2 months of NON-STOP seizing everyday, his seizures completely stopped. You can read more about that here at Our New Beginning

Everything has been ruled out except the vaccines, and it never would have crossed my mind if that doctor had not asked me for Haygen's "original" shot records and told me "I can't rule it out and I can't stay that it is"

Haygen has been tested for Rett's Syndrome, Angelman Syndrome, Lennox Gastaut Syndrome and many genetics tests have been done by different hospitals. They have not diagnosed Haygen with anything yet, maybe they just don't know or maybe its because they know the vaccines caused it and just don't want to admit it. We will never know and that's ok if we don't because he's already beat the odds that were stacked up against him.   He stopped seizing, he started walking and seeing again and finally in 2012 his feeding tube was removed. After 6 years of testing all they can tell me is that he has characteristics of everything and although his autism characteristics are more visible than anything, they have not diagnosed him as autistic.

So you can see why I think the vaccines played a part in this, I mean even the doctors are all sitting around puzzled. They can't figure out what's wrong or what happened to him and they can't figure out why his seizures suddenly stopped. Even though I believed they played a part in this, I did continue with his vaccinations.  It was a tough decision but I know it was the best one. I will write about the reason why I chose to keep vaccinating later on. So for now I do believe they played some involvement but not totally to blame. I am just happy I still have my Haygen Baby because there was a time when I (even the doctors) didn't think he would make it to the age of 4. He will soon be 8 and I couldn't be any happier.

Autism and A Life of Isolation

First, I would like to apologize for the long break. It has literally been one thing after another. The week of Thanksgiving is when it had got very hectic, I had to make a very hard decision of whether to medicate or not medicate Haygen. He had not been on any medicine since April of 2010 but I had to do something because I was very concerned with his aggression. I decided to medicate him and this is all I have to say about it....BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE!! Medication isn't for all children or parents of children with autism but it was right for Haygen. He has progressed SO much since he's been on them. I will write another blog about the medicine very soon.

Besides dealing with the side effects of Haygen's medicine along with my health problems, ISOLATION is still the hardest part of this autism journey. It doesn't get any easier to deal with especially during the holidays because we even spend those by ourselves. When you go from "Being the life of the Party" to "No longer being at the Party", it takes an emotional toll on you. I know I probably make our lives look like there's so much fun and excitement in them (on social media) and it TRULY is but its also JUST THE 3 OF US 24/7 literally. When we are at baseball games, 95% of the time me and Haygen are off to the side by ourselves or in the vehicle watching Zan play. The medicine has helped tremendously with his meltdowns in public, Praise The Lord.

I know life gets busy and everyone has families and responsibilities but never in a million years did I ever think certain people would turn their backs on us. I live 30 to 45 mins (at the most) away from family and friends that I grew up with my entire life which isn't far away, so I guess that's why its so hard to comprehend. I don't know if everyone thinks I should load up my kids and go there to visit (which is an absolute NIGHTMARE because of the fact that my youngest child is autistic) or if its because I have nothing to offer them anymore. I just don't understand and never will. Explaining all this to others, especially family is exhausting, frustrating and I shouldn't have to when it comes to family. If you can't count on family, who can you count on? No one

Social media is too much for me sometimes because its a reminder of all the things that Zan is missing out on. I would love to spend more time with him to go and do normal things but with no support system it will never happen. My family believes its as easy finding a babysitter for my autistic child as it is finding one for a normal child. WRONG!!! After 6 years of explaining autism, begging and pleading you get to the point where you just have to give up on people.

Last week, everything was put into perspective very quick, I had to have a heart cath because the doctor suspected blockage in my heart since my echo, ekg were both abnormal along with my chronic high blood pressure. A friend of mine (who I met 6 years ago while Haygen was in the hospital in 2008) drove 2 hours from where she lives to keep both of my boys just so I could go and have the procedure done while her daughter met me at the hospital to drive me back home. I had drove myself that morning and I had to have a driver plus the hospital was also 2 hours away from my house. My dad and stepmom offered to watch the boys but they live just as far away plus my dad wasn't even at home. He was actually out of town his self but if I would've said yes they would've been here. That speaks volumes considering we just became part of each other's lives 3 years ago (very long story and beyond our control).

I know that heart cath's are performed everyday and is no big deal to some BUT when they take you into that operating room to begin prepping you before knocking you out lol (without hearing from the ONE person who is always suppose to be there for you no matter what plus a couple of others) its a huge deal to me. I was scared to death and alone. I do not wish and would not EVER wish this type of isolation on anyone. This is what I deal with everyday and its heartbreaking seeing the true colors of the people you love.